Letting Go//No Control

It’s a tad crazy to know that around this time last year, I was working in New York, and had recently graduated. Even crazier, knowing how much has changed in a year, or for that matter how much can change in a day. How the sum of the present was the result of choices from the past- how even by doing nothing, that in itself is a form of choice/agency.

Which reminds me of Kierkegaard’s take on individuality and self hood aka the true self. How we succumb to the pitfalls of losing our self in the finite and, or infinite.

Well there I go.

Because in essence most of the times that’s what post grad. (or even life in general) has felt like:

The “whoa, so many possibilities!” and with it, a plethora of choices and options to choose from that leaves one in a state of limbo, inaction and, or confusion. This notion as Kierkegaard states is that, “anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”

And then of course, the finite- limitations set by ourselves, set by societal norms and conventions, and living in a way that we believe is to be expected, or just limitations, in general- whatever they may be.

In both cases, we are less than our individual self.

?????????

In Kierkegaard’s case the only reasonable choice that we have, is what he refers to as the “leap of faith,” The only choice that allows you to choose the person you will be rather than let the world choose for you.

Granted yes, I think Kierkegaard was talking specifically about Christianity and love, though I like to parallel that with trusting the universe, trusting the unknown. What Elizabeth Gilbert would probably say is one of the steps to “big magic” and like Gilbert, I would utter a similar sentiment, “trust what you’re attracted to and it’ll take you to where you need to go.” Though without context this sounds really stupid, but underlying it this notion of

“choosing curiosity over fear.”

And what comes with it is a really beautiful question, of what the world would be like if we were all curious: if we were all curious and concerned about each other, curious about knowing ourselves, curious about ideas, more curious then we are afraid.

So no, I’m not going to say, “Omg yassss let’s make that leap of faith! #YOLO.”

Trust me, I’m not ready to make a leap nor do I think I’ll ever be. I want to wholeheartedly trust the unknown, I do, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of letting go- letting go of what I know. Letting go of what’s familiar, of what’s comfortable, letting go of perceived security. But I guess, I’m also afraid of the no control-the sense that what I don’t know- the unknown, is really something I have no control over. So maybe I’ll make the leap one day, some day…or not…who knows.

In the meantime, a more pragmatic approach- sit with the unknown, the I don’t knows, and of course, choose curiosity.

Falling Short_Bridges and Fires

A chunk of time has passed since “I Thought This Only Happens To Old People…” And yes, I’ve changed my narrative, and sure, I’ve since found a job. Though even with the passage of time, the events prior- still and will always exist as ghosts- triggered then by the shortcomings I have and feel as a junior designer.

When you think the past is in the past…surprise, surprise!

So of course, plaguing my mind is the question:

“Why is it that I never feel good enough?- or rather, why is it that WE never feel good enough?”

As of late this question has been popping up instead, as a statement, “I just feel inadequate…” (cough cough #firstworldproblem cough cough- yes I’m aware.)

It reminds me of this cycle that I know I’m guilty of falling into, that we’re all guilty of: (scroll to the bold for TL;DR version)

When I was in Santa Cruz, I wanted to be at Art Center. When Art Center fell thru, I just wanted to be elsewhere. When my elsewhere was San Diego, I missed Santa Cruz and I wanted to be there. In general, when I was in school, I wanted to be done. When the moment of graduation was looming, I just wanted to be out in the “real world,” working. When I was working in New York, I wanted my summer- to play with friends and to be back home. When I had to go home, I missed New York. When I could play…it wasn’t fun, because now my friends were all working. So then I wanted to work, and now I’m where I asked to be… but am I present…or am I anticipating the next step?

TL;DR version: when we physically reach our goal and obtain what we wanted- mentally we’re already fixated on something else, and no longer are we present.

Sum of feels: I’m here but I want to be there, I’m there but I’d rather be here, guess I’m never satisfied anywhere.

It’s super cyclical, but where we are now, point A, is always just going to be a collection of the past. To get to point B- one has to bridge the gap, and so the cycle begins. And the issue isn’t that we fall into the cycle, the cycle is inevitable. The issue lies in what Tony Robbins mentions as the divide of where we currently are, to the notion of a blueprint (the story we’ve set for ourself in our head.)

When this blueprint doesn’t match our life, this discrepancy causes major frustration.

My current blueprint says that I’m suppose to know all the ins and outs of the programs I use, that I’m suppose to be fast, and churn out super dope work. My current state however, is full of shortcomings, stumbling, being slow, and churning out…stuff…ok stuff, and that’s the disconnect, the stress. I want to be my blueprint. I don’t want to admit my weak spots, but lets not suffer from the “Dunning-Kruger effect” AKA being so dumb that I don’t realize just how dumb I am, and instead believe myself to be more than 100, because I’m not more than 100- far from it.

Because it’s on nights where I work overtime, with the silence of the office, I know I’m far from it... I flashback to high school, to my days in cross country. To when I was trying to keep up, but I kept falling behind. To when I would notice the distance between myself and others grow with every breath and every step I took. To when they became specks in my eyes, vanishing from my sight- they were done, and I was far from finishing. I, was far from it.

Far from the finish line.

Frankly there are so many peers who are better equipped then me- I know I’m not good enough, there’s a long way to go, but worst, I feel like I’m not enough. The thought of being laid off still looms, because it’s always a possibility.

And in the realm of relationships, the question of whether or not I’m worthy of even being seen is still present, because it’s in the uncertainty that I find my self-worth to be questionable.

And so there’s all this push and pull, because I know some are true, and others- exaggerations of truth. And it’s good to know, because it keeps me away from fully immersing myself into a pool of purely reacting to emotions and feelings.

Though I also know “There is a gap,” and Ira Glass puts it beautifully when he says this. In its context he’s referring to being a beginner creative and good work, though in a more general concept, I like to parallel it to being a better version of the self. “There is a gap.” and let’s try to bridge it, because here I am trying to bridge it.

If not bridge it, according to Taylor Gahm’s Tedx talk, we should all burn the false self. By getting and being real, diving inwards instead of out. Uttering the same sentiments as Brene Brown, who speaks of the power of stories, and vulnerability.

Seeing things truly as they are.

So I know I can’t be the only one who feels inadequate, but at the core of this issue, the question isn’t why don’t I feel as if I’m enough, the question is why don’t I see things truly as they are-with no embellishments, no biases, no assumptions….just as it is.

And in doing so, why not bridge the gap- strive to become better versions of ourselves, while lighting up the false sense of self on fire? #lit

I Thought This Only Happens To Old People…

I’m a storyteller and in truth, so is everyone else. So call me Liusir, (pronounced loser) an artist, designer, and illustrator, whom apparently is self deprecating. Granted uttering that homophone to someone, much less calling me that is downright uncomfortable. Sure it holds negative connotations, but here I am trying to own it.

By calling myself liusir, I hoped to be David, of course in the context of Malcolm Gladwell’s “David and Goliath,”- for anyone who hasn’t read it- in brevity, this notion that all is not what it appears to be, touching upon “stereotype tax”-the price one pays for preconceived notions. In the case of David and Goliath, David is clearly capable of taking on Goliath with his skills, opponents though, doubt it because all they see is his size.

I was fine being perceived as a loser, because it was my way of narrating a story in which I had to lose in order to win. Feeling like a loser though is a different story, and at this moment this label is #tooreal.

I’m talking about post-grad, and everything that comes along with this new chapter. To be quite frank-it kind of sucks…

Like when I say kind of, I mean really really really sucks.

Sure, I can say that I was that kid that landed an awesome internship right after graduation AND turned it into a job- literally the closest epitome of a dream job! #YASSS

BUT I can also say shortly after I was laid off, due to the insufficient amount of work that needed to be done on the team. This translates into a need to look out for the overall health of the agency, and since I obviously had no tenure, if you were to cut anyone, cut me. In short, rejection occurs for 2 main reasons: not a good fit, bad timing or even both. In my case, timing was bad, and I was no longer needed.

In response to being laid off, one friend said,

“I thought that only happened to old people.”

which made me think, “yeah, that’s like so totes 2007.”

Regardless of whom it happens to or when it happens, it’s never pleasant unless you wanted out. Emotionally, it’s a break up- “Is this a mistake or a joke?” then came the emotional rumble. I questioned whether or not I was good enough, well over a million times. Though I knew and was reassured that it wasn’t me or the quality of my work, shame and inadequacy of course, rode closely aside.

In “40 days of Dating,” Jessica Walsh mentions this notion that career and relationships mirror each other. Though there is no solid basis for this other than experience, I totally believe this! It’s funny and I say this out of sheer confusion, because there is a parallel that occurs with this event and another. I’ll be super cryptic about it, as it involves a letter, feelings… and a wrestle and exploration of questions, emotions, and yoloing (you only live once) From this, stems the project Letters of Feels, unconventional love letters expressed in .gifs- anyways that’s a whole other story that I won’t get into. Just know there are some patterns with the way I felt between the two-and it all connects.

So now what, or rather, what now? Now what? What now?

The question of a lifetime.

Well for the next couple of days, I was just hurt, empty, lost, and grieving- New York IS NOT the place to be when you are in that mental state. Everyone moves with a sense of urgency, and purpose and there I was suspended in a state of limbo. And I’m still in a state of limbo- stuck, but time has definitely helped alleviate the initial reactions, and I’m reminded of an unshakeable quote my then-manager said to me on the very first day. As a response to sharing my feelings of being scared, nervous, and unready about being out there in the “real” world, she responded with:

“You’re exactly where you are suppose to be in this very moment.”

Rocking these “rose-colored glasses.”

The crazy thing is, I wholeheartedly trust that. Despite how awful and scary the “real” world can feel…I can’t help but to still feel so hopeful-granted sometimes less than others. And maybe it’s ingrained into our hard drive- to be resilient, and to have an optimism bias. Whatever the case, the lessons that stem from these experiences are all vital and instrumental in shaping who we are.

In the article “Through the Glass Darkly,” by Barbara Platek, she interviews Miriam Greenspan, a psychotherapist who refers to our culture as being “emotion phobic,” this fear of feeling our own emotions. As a culture we believe that we aren’t suppose to have dark times, we are fed endings of what should be. Thus labeling those dark times as being negative, bad, and unworthy. In doing so we tend to keep private, disconnect and hide. And in this way, I don’t want to be “emotion phobic,” because though counterintuitive, the only way to grow and to live a life that is true to yourself, is to dive into what it is you are feeling, and to get curious as to why. In doing so, you become more you and allow others to do the same. Courage to be the most genuine you, is indeed contagious, and freeing. (Tidbits I learned off of Brene Brown’s book “Rising Strong”-highly recommended #icanteven #ughsogood )

So don’t call me Liusir, because it’s no longer a story about me versus the world- instead call me Liucid. It’s me striving for clarity, and what underlies that is the ability to connect. I’m changing my story, and in doing so I’m acknowledging that stories stick- whether we are consciously aware of it or not- they define, characterized, and shape our beliefs, which in turn shapes how we feel, how we act and even how others will interact with us.

I mean if you think about individual letters they may mean close to nothing, but string those together to make a word then a sentence to form a story, and BOOM magic. Meanings blossom, lucidity conceived, and that to me, that’s awe-inspiring…so write your story accordingly, because not only does it affect you, but others as well.

To end, I can’t say what will happen, or that everything will be okay, but whatever does, I know that you have the ability to write and change the narrative you tell yourself.